The following ten scenarios provide a challenge to decide which situations could be classified as abusive behavior:

1. A man was laid off of work, struggling with identity issues and financial worries, and discovered his wife had coped with her stress by buying new furniture without discussing it with him. His argument with her escalated. In a moment he would later recall with deep remorse, he twisted the fingers on her hand so that one finger was broken and she had to be taken to the hospital. Though he never hurt another woman again, he lives with the shame of losing control in a moment of rage. Is one incident of physical violence an indication of abuse in a marriage?

2. Another man had cyclical patterns in his life in which he would fall back into his addiction to internet porn, become critical of his wife, and enter into frequent arguments. These fights involved pushing her, stepping on her feet, name-calling using derogatory language, and pushing his finger into her chest. He never left physical bruises or caused great physical pain to her. He did not consider emotional pain to be abuse. Are smaller displays of physical aggression abusive if they do not cause damage?

3. Another man never once raised his voice or was ever physically aggressive with his wife, but his daily interactions with her undermined her self-confidence. He criticized her few extra pounds and her housekeeping skills and kept her in a financial straightjacket. He frequently used the words “good steward” to justify hoarding behavior instead of dealing generously with others. He also liked to confront her for her “lack of submission to my God-given authority.” She developed an eating disorder and would cringe whenever she heard his car pull into the driveway. At church he was highly respected, led a bible study group on financial management and served as a deacon. Is criticism and control abusive? What if other Christians approve of it? If the spouse develops emotional pain as a result, is it abusive even if it was not meant to be?

4. A man is an alcoholic and frequently assaults his wife.

5. Another man would frequently push his wife around the house and she would hit back. They decided that it was not abusive, but that they were both just very “physically intense” in their disagreements with each other. Is it abuse if neither partner considers it to be abusive?

6. In the sixth situation, the woman, who was stronger than the man, had rage issues and frequently slapped him and publicly humiliated him. She told him that traditionally, it was O.K. for a woman to slap a man “if he deserved it.” Is it abusive if the woman is the perpetrator? Is intentional public humiliation abusive?

7. In the seventh scenario, a woman manipulatively spent money excessively and used sex and her husband’s strong physical attraction for her as leverage to pacify her husband. He felt the futility of being unable to effectively address the financial problem. The potential for another period of cold, silent rejection was enough to keep him from arguing with her. Is manipulative control abusive? Is sexual neglect abusive?

8. A man spent a great deal of time at work, more than he needed to, despite his wife’s pleas to cut back on his hours. He gave his wife a lot of financial liberty to “compensate” for his lack of interest in her. She suffered from depression so he paid for her to have counseling, though he told the counselor he “couldn’t handle” talking about any issues. He was always kind to her in other ways and did not consider himself to be “too bad of a husband.” Is apathy abusive?

9. One man vented his anger by using inappropriate language with his wife and putting her down. He prided himself that he was under control and never had a single incident of physical aggression. Are verbal attacks abusive?

10. If children are present in any of the above scenarios, whether or not the adults consider themselves to be abusive to each other, is the exposure abusive to the children?

My perspective: Abandon the question of whether or not something is classified as “abusive,” which is a trendy way to avoid responsibility of guilt. Instead ask three other questions that address a broader range of self-centered behavior. This avoids the arguments surrounding the semantics of the word “abuse.” The problem with the original approach is that it frequently allows sinful people (all of us) to dance around the issues, justify behavior, rationalize, and never pursue becoming more like Christ.

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure” (Jeremiah 17:9) I can find the right counselor to tell me what I personally want to hear. Even Christian counselors can vary in their opinions of whether or not a behavior is deemed “abusive” or “wrong.” So that means that I, as a sinner, can find someone on earth to tell me that my sin was not my fault or that it is “understandable in the situation.”

A better question to ask first is, “Is my behavior as a husband or a wife self-sacrificial and does it imitate Christ’s example of humility?” That increases my responsibility to raise the standard from “what can I get away with” to “how much more could I be like Christ?”

For an example, I would confront my friend with whether pinching his wife’s arm (even if it does not leave a bruise) is self-sacrificial, following Christ as an example. He could defend himself to the death that it is not abusive, but he would have a much harder time eeclassifying it as self-sacrificial behavior that imitates Christ. Likewise, I could question the man’s wife on whether or not publicly humiliating her husband was self-sacrificial, following Christ as her example. The underlying issues with all our sinful behavior, whether it is “abusive” or not, is selfishness and insistence on being in control of our lives.

Both partners need to examine their behavioral patterns. Even when one partner is more “abusive” than the other, unjustifiable sin is often present on both sides.

The second question is, how is my behavior affecting my spouse? If I call it sacrificial, godly behavior but my spouse is exhibiting signs of emotional and mental trauma, then I cannot justify my behavior, even if I label my behavior “biblical” or “spiritual,” have a verse to support it or have an entire church supporting my position. This fact may seem self-apparent, but it is actually a rampant problem. A man can justify “disciplining his household” so it looks perfect to others, but he can destroy his children and break relationship with his wife over his demands and criticism.

In the same way, a wife abuses her family with neglect by pursuing the image of a “godly” Christian wife and mother so much that her schedule is filled with responsibilities to others. Then she has no energy to encourage her children or love her husband. The practice of justification of self-centered behavior with religious or socially conscious reasons can be just as harmful as intentional abuse of a relationship. One person pushes his car off a cliff. Another person refuses to ever have the oil changed (a simple, small thing, but essential) until, years later, the eventual build up of sludge destroys the components of the car so that the car no longer runs. Both people
end up with broken cars, though one takes longer to break down. This is the difference between intentional abuse and neglect of a relationship.

If it is destructive to a relationship, who cares if we call it abusive or not? The behavior needs to end.

The third question to ask is, “Is this relationship damaging to a person physically, emotionally, or mentally?” If so, intervention of some kind needs to occur, and either pastoral counseling or professional counseling is the ideal. It is better for people who have been trained to ask the hard questions to be the ones to advise a couple to separate or divorce. Friends and family can sometimes tear apart a relationship that could have been saved, through ill-advised counsel and pressure to protect “rights.” Often, friends and family have a one-sided view of the situation and may unwittingly help the perpetrator hurt the real victim even more. If you worry about someone, encourage them to get professional help. Pray for them and be supportive. Let them make their own decisions with the help of a counselor.

Even though I may not consider myself “abusive,” I am required to routinely perform some self-examination: What are my motives? Do I care more about what other people
think of me or do I have a greater concern to sacrifice my rights for what my wife or husband needs? Am I pursuing a personal goal that is hurting any of my relationships in
the process? Do I know how to handle stress in ways that do not cause family members to keep their distance from me? Why am I really angry? Am I addressing a real problem in my marriage or am I avoiding the confrontation? Am I showing my disapproval in ways that are intended to exact revenge in subtle ways?

Handling problems in the wrong way causes harm to people both physically and mentally. This is essentially abuse, even if it may be unintentional. I need to be willing to recognize that my behavior has harmed, even “abused” someone unwittingly. I need to be willing to make it right rather than defend my innocence. “Don’t you understand how much stress I was under” is never an excuse for behavior that harms others either physically or emotionally.

Broken relationships formed by broken people. This is the underlying problem under the cloak of abuse and other kinds of marital conflict. But Jesus Christ calls us to a higher standard: to be as one, as he and the Father are one. This Christ-commissioned responsibility extends to both men and women equally. This is because our unity with each other displays to the world a picture of his relationship of oneness with the Father (John 17).

Achieving genuine unity in a marriage is a greater challenge than simply avoiding the label of abusive conflict. Christ calls us to have a broader responsibility to each other than simply adhering to what is socially appropriate. What is socially appropriate could change from culture to culture. Christ’s standard of self-sacrifice transcends all cultures.

The word “abusive” never describes me. In that way, I avoid responsibility for unresolved relational sin in my life. The real test I should take is to examine my own heart and compare my self-sacrifice and humility to Christ’s example.

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