Ten years ago, I became one of the over 300,000 children who are sexually abused every year. Like so many others who have felt the guilt and shame of abuse, I remained silent. For six years I kept this part of my past hidden until my husband Chris and I were engaged and going through premarital counseling.

I wasn’t sure how to forgive the man who abused me, but through the counseling I knew it was something I had to do. Not only for the health of my marriage, but because I wanted to follow Christ’s example of ultimate forgiveness. I no longer wanted to be a slave to the negative emotions in my spirit. And choosing to forgive him meant learning the truth about forgiveness.

Forgiveness Myth #1 â€" Forgive & Forget
Many people think the phrase “Forgive and Forget� is an ancient proverb, rich with wisdom. Actually, its origin is from Shakespeare’s King Lear. "Pray you now, forget and forgive." Some offenses we’re able to forget, but most of the time, there are things that can never be erased from our memories. Unfortunately, anything short of a lobotomy can’t guarantee us the mental deletion of something that has hurt us. What’s important is how we respond when those memories surface. Do we resort to bitterness and anger or do we lean into our Heavenly Father’s arms, and pull from His love to heal the wounds?

Forgiveness Myth #2 â€" Never Hearing “I’m Sorryâ€?
One of the biggest issues I struggled with was the fact I never received an apology from this man. On several occasions throughout the time we spent together, he confessed he knew our relationship was inappropriate. My knowledge that he was aware of this impropriety only fueled my desire for an apology and intensified my resent toward him.

The apology never came, and assuming he wasn’t sorry for his actions made it difficult for me to even want to forgive him. Through the course of healing, whenever I feel cheated, I reflect on a story in Matthew 18 that Jesus taught when asked about forgiveness.

A servant had become seriously indebted to his kingâ€"somewhere around the sum of $100,000. Moments before he, along with his family, were to be sold into slavery, he begs the king for another chance. Touched by his plea, the king releases him from his indebtedness.

After the pardoned servant leaves, he runs into his fellow servantâ€"one who owes him only $10. He immediately confronts him, demanding the money he’s owed. The other servant isn’t able to pay him back, so instead of pardoning his debt, he throws his debtor in to jail until he pays up.

The king found out about the situation and was outraged:

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,� he said. “I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had mercy on you?� (Matthew 18:32-33, TNIV).

It is difficult, but I think of how many times I have been pardoned when I didn’t deserve it. I think of how gracious others have been toward me and how much Christ sacrificed for my redemption.

By waiting for an apology that may never come, I was allowing this man’s lack of action to control my decisions. To truly grow through this experience, I had to decide to forgive him, whether or not he ever asks for it. I have to extend to him the very grace that is extended to me.

Forgiveness Myth #3 â€" Forgiveness Is Not a Feeling
After being hurt, it’s natural to want to feel somewhat normal again. Instinctively, we want to do whatever we can to get rid of the pain and forget what happened. It’s easy to deny the pain, trying to hide it in the back of our minds. We preoccupy ourselves with activities or other relationships in order to avoid having to feel the heartache. We numb the pain by abusing alcohol or drugs. Or, we do all of the above. That’s the path I took.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but for the first few years following this abusive relationship I avoided having to face the hurt by becoming a perfectionist workaholic. I poured my life into my job, and in the few hours that remained on the weekends, I spent them out with my coworkers drinking at bars and restaurants until it was time to go to work again on Monday. After a concerned friend intervened, I changed my career path and ended my unhealthy drinking habits.

The pain I had forgotten about suddenly came rushing back. But instead of facing it head on, I allowed my feelings to hold me back once more. I decided I wasn’t ready to forgive him. With the pain I continued to feel, I convinced myself when the time was right, I would know, because I would be emotionally able to forgive him.

However, after being hurt, we will never feel ready to forgive someone. When forgiveness is necessary, that means someone has caused us pain. Forgiveness is deciding to move on despite our emotions. The more quickly we are able to begin the process of forgiveness, the less control we are allowing our pain to have in our lives.

Jesus sets a consistent example of forgiving quickly. He said to the paralyzed man in Matthew, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven,� without the man even asking. At His death, He forgave those who crucified Him without them seeking it.

Our Heavenly Father knows us intricately inside and out. He knitted together the very fibers of our being, including our spirit. He wants nothing more than to be close to us, and He knows when we don’t forgive, the bitterness which results will saturate our soul. As time passes, we begin losing the ability to recognize his gentle touches in our lives. Before long, we isolate ourselves from the only One who will never bring us harm.

Throughout Scripture, we find example after example about forgiveness. God knew it wouldn’t be easy for us to forgive, and He offers us the courage we need to extend forgiveness and the strength we need to heal. It’s up to us to take the first step and begin the journey of forgiveness.

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