It was my sophomore year and I decided I needed a little coaching on love. I picked up a few Christian books and began to read. The most influential book I read was “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”. Joshua Harris the author makes it a point to abstain from many rituals of dating, physical intimacy and other aspects that influence a healthy sexuality. I wouldn’t say the book was completely off target, but being 3 years into marriage, I can attest to the necessity of understanding that just because we are Christian and called to a higher standard, does not mean we are to totally discount our sexuality.

Christians, eat, drink, move, walk breathe…and my goodness they even have sex. I can’t tell you how completely awkward many women claim their first few years of their sex life is because, they ran so far from their sexuality they didn’t know how to let it out of the box, myself included. Now I know as a group we spend a lot of time talking about the terrible results of pornography, and emotional pornography for women, and too much physical this, and not enough time with God. But I just have to be honest, if you think just because you waited until you were married to have sex, you’re going to have some awesome God sent sex life, reality check, not true.

When are we going to learn that Christians are not exempt from anything all human beings go through? We have a Father who loves us yes, but praying before sex does not necessarily turn up the passion meter. What I am getting at, is sex, like anything else takes work. It takes communication, honesty, understanding, patience, passion, time and a lot of other variables only you and your spouse understand. To top it off most of that should begin well before you hit the bedroom.

If confession is what you need to understand you are not alone then here I go. Waiting to have sex before marriage was indeed the best thing for my marriage, but it didn’t necessarily prepare me to go from 0-100 all in the midst of one night. When my hubby and I found ourselves saying, “No more sex for the rest of the honeymoon” we knew something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t the actual physical act ..though that in itself can cause some physical pain, it was the mental exhaustion that came with all of it, the strange questions that lingered: okay when’s the next time we should have sex? Is twice enough? Am I doing this right? I wonder what he/she thinks of me? I wonder if I am supposed to like this or that, because I don’t, how do I communicate that I’m feeling shy…all of this inner dialogue takes place at about 100 miles per hour. You knew this person before the wedding, and now you feel you’re in bed with a complete stranger.

While I can’t tell you how to completely remedy your own sex life, I can say it is proven that many Christians get off to the wrong start, and struggle to get back on track. For me, I spent so much time putting my desire for my husband out, that when it came time to act; I didn’t know where to start. Two years into marriage, we found ourselves discussing some very profound things about our sex life, some of it was not easy to hear, but it was necessary. Here are some tips I found to help out, and what others have said after a few years of trial and error.

-If you are engaged, do not make the mistake of letting your passion get ahead of you and actually having sex! But enjoy communicating about the future with each other, spend intimate time together, with die hard boundaries!

-If you have had previous sexual experiences, now would be the time to talk about those, of course appropriately, let your future spouse know anything that is lingering on your heart, or things you need prayer about to clear out of your mind

-If you have been sexually abused, get pre-marital counseling and deal with those issues, don’t let your beautiful marriage bed pay the consequences for what was not your fault.

-If you are already married, don’t forget to communicate to your spouse your feelings about your sex life, is it too much, too little, uncomfortable, in need of change, be open and honest. If you feel your spouse is acting different, or closing up when it comes time, ask them about it. Don’t wait until you get into the act and get frustrated with each other. Discuss the things you enjoy, and ask your partner what they like.

-Be honest about what you like and don’t judge each other, it took me two years to tell my husband I want to role play, nothing dramatic but a little acting takes the focus off my selfconsciousness…and helps me to engage in the moment.

-Don't be offended if the old flannel and t-shirt doesn't work for your man, out of love, get shopping this is your partner for life! P.S. Men you're not exempt if she wants a cowboy hat, and some boots for heaven sakes pull up the chaps!

-Great sex is all about genuine love, if you show genuine concern for your partner and aren't just out to get your needs fulfilled, your spouse will know that. Give eachother time to explore and get comfortable with yourselves, and never put demands on eachother!

-We don’t have to be ashamed of enjoying our sex lives, if you need to explore…have a blast find a local store that has toys, shop online, role play, read intimate stories to each other, just keep centered on what it’s all about eachother. There are lots of how to books out there and videos that are not pornography based, but for genuine couples trying to perfect their sex life with the balance of intimacy, committment and genuine desire to care for their life long partner...get reading!

- NEVER, EVER, EVER pressure your spouse to have sex, if you want a fast road to an unhealthy sex life, this will lead you there! Communicate your needs, but understand your spouses needs too. If your wife just got done chasing around the kids after a long day of work, the start to great sex might look like picking up the house. Same for men.

-Lastly, get out there and have great sex, yeah I said it…it’s God’s will for you but he’s not gonna wave some magic wand only you can (no pun intended)….so go make it happen and have fun while trying! (p.s. married couples only!)

May you be blessed with awesome godly sex!

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