I debated if I should release this article or not for fear that it may seem misogynistic. This is not against women in the least, but it is written to protect the innocent who are perhaps in need of some guidance. I love women, I have dedicated much of my life to helping men love and be loved by a good women as I also encourage them to be good men to their women. It is my prayer that this article will be read in this light.

The latest statistic that I have heard has women filing for divorce nearly two thirds of the time and many times the guy never sees it coming, until the papers are served. At Christian Social Arts, our goal is to divorce proof men before they even meet or date the girl they will marry.

I remember not too long ago, I was a very lonely, isolated man who would often ask God, “Why must I be alone? Am I going to be a single man like Saint Paul or will I have a wife? Where is she? I WANT ONE NOW!!!

I would see friends and family with their wives and children yet I was alone and I was desperate. Can you relate? Along the way, I got involved with various women who were all wrong for me. I would get hurt over and over again. I would vow to never date again only to find myself on the Internet dating sites the next day.

Dating in desperation is a terrible thing, it causes rational, sane, mature human beings to do and tolerate ridiculous things. I have seen men repeatedly endure ridiculous relationships that were completely unnecessary and silly. Friends would gently warn them that a girl was completely nuts, but did they listen? HECK NO!!! Look at her, she’s hot, who cares if she has conversations with the television and cuts herself? “After all, how could I ever get a hot chick like this again?” Ah, yes, the cute girl that will turn us into morons.

When we get desperate and needy, we get into troubled relationships and all too many men do not realize what they have gotten into until they have married. It took me a long time to recognize and act on red flags before I was invested too deeply with it.

The following are just a few red flags that we should consider when we are getting to know a lady. These are also good for reflection on yourself to see if you are sending out red flags and perhaps it will give you things to improve on. Seriously guys, if these things creep us out, you can bet that they creep out the girls.

1) She is overly attached to her family. Being close to her family and talking with them often is a good thing, but she needs to be able to differentiate herself from her family. She needs to be her own person. This poor differentiation from her family will most likely keep her mother in charge of her life. If mom runs her life now, mom will try to run your marriage.

Signs that she may be over involved and over identified with her family may include…
a) She calls her mother everyday and for every thing that comes up in his daily life.
b) She talks outside on the phone with her family, never around you. She may be keeping you a secret because they wouldn’t approve of you for some reason.
c) Her social life seems to revolve around her family.
d) She repeatedly cancels dates with you because she is needed at home.

2) She is an inflexible person. Someone who has to have everything her way or who is not able to roll with life’s punches will make you unhappy. It is rude to only give one or two days notice for a date, but sometimes things just happen where there is not much notice, if she can’t deal with it, it is a red flag.

Some women have bought into a book called “The Rules.” They run their dating life by these rules and are inflexible on breaking the rules. “The Rules” is one of the best ways for women to never have a successful relationship because it teaches them to blindly follow them no matter what. She must be flexible, at least within reason.

3) Substance Abuse – Need I say more?

4) She has an entitlement mentality. Is it all about her? I mean everything? Is she entitled to being happy? Guess what, she is not happy and you will never make her happy. This is the kind of person who will up and leave one day and never look back because you didn’t provide whatever she feels that she needed. Men are often divorced on the grounds of “you didn’t fulfill my emotional needs,” whatever that means.

Is she a perpetual victim? Other people are always out to get her or her problems are always someone else’s fault? RED FLAGS

5) She is waiting for Prince Charming or the perfect man. Many women have bought into the notion that their man should be perfect. They have idealized him since they were little girls playing dress up as princesses. These are girls who are serial daters who will never settle for a normal guy. They have lost touch with reality.

Guys do this when they set their standards unrealistically high. For a woman, this plays out in the man having to be Fabio on the outside and the rest of the romance novel on the inside. For a guy, the girl has to be a playmate on the outside and love to spend all day with you and the Playstation on the inside. Get real.

6) She is over or under sexualized. If she has a history of many sexual partners or is completely sexually frigid, it is a red flag. There is a big difference between keeping pure and having a phobia towards sex. God made us to be sexual beings, so even though you keep boundaries, there should be some healthy sexual tension there.

I have a friend who got into a “relationship” with a nice Christian girl who slept with something like 60 guys while she was in college. “It was just a phase that she went through in college,” he told me. I did the math, that was about 4 years ago, I said “run for your life.” They were dedicated to wait until marriage. In the long run, it turned out that he was the only one dedicated to wait, she managed to cheat on him repeatedly.

7) Something about her "creeps out" your friends or family members. Now I realize that to your mother, there may be no woman good enough for you (that’s your issue that you need to deal with), but if she really says or does things that freak your friends out, you should consider seriously what they’re saying.

Sometimes, we tend to like a certain “type” of girl and that type is really bad for us. Consider that one of the main definitions of “insanity” is “doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.” If your friends tell you that your new girl is exactly like the last one who ripped your heart out, maybe she is. If she is, she probably will also.

8) She is a fixer. If she has a history of repeatedly getting involved with losers and druggies, this is a good sign that she is a fixer. You can’t fix broken people with love; no matter how hard you try. She will also try to fix you, even if you aren’t broken. These sorts of people live for drama and if you don’t provide it for her, she will dump you in favor or another guy who will treat her like dirt.

9) She is not independent. A sign of this is if she is over 30 and still living at home, unless she is building a big nest egg for a house. The fear here is that she wants to go from mom and dad taking care of her to you taking care of her. She needs a sense of independence and maturity that only comes from having to be financially responsible, paying her own bills and holding down a job, even if she doesn’t like it.

10) She lacks proper boundaries. Is she controlling? Does she get annoyed when you spend time with anyone else? Does she get jealous if you have a regular “guy’s night?” She will try to run your life and control every aspect of it if you marry her.

11) She is on the rebound. If she recently broke up with a guy that she has been in a long term relationship with, she will be emotionally unavailable to you. She will probably still be in love with him and not ready to commit. She will most likely string you along because you are a good safety net and convenient, but it probably will go nowhere.

12) Dumped her ex in a cruel way – you’re next. Do not fool yourself, she will do it again, she has not changed and she has a history. “Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.” - Santayana

13) In the world of internet dating, this one is very common… She engages and disengages without warning.

For example, every time you take her out you have a great time but then she barely returns your calls, or takes several days to return them.

You end up calling first because you had fun together but you find yourself in a chase mode with no indication of whether or not she's wanting to be caught. This, my brothers, is a game of control. This person playing with you're emotions and making you question yourself. They will use you up and leave you on the heap.

There are lots of other red flags to consider, but these are some of the most important ones. Pay attention, if something seems odd, it probably is.

I know, “It is not good for man to be alone.” But consider this, it is better to be alone than to have a miserable relationship and have her walk out one day for reasons that you don’t even understand.

There are plenty of available women. Get out there, meet as many as you can and select a winner from the masses who is caring, kind, giving and flexible.

CJ Donofrio is the Pastor of Mount Olive Lutheran Church, the Master Relationship / Lifestyle coach and author of “Attraction – The Christian Man’s Dating Guide” which can be found at www.ChristianSocialArts.com

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