It is amazing that seminar after seminar that I have been involved in that for men, the fear of rejection is overwhelming.

For men, the fear of rejection can drive him into a cold sweat and make him afraid to make eye contact with a woman, let alone talk to her. This fear runs deep and may go all the way back to our tribal roots.

Some sociologists speculate that the anxiety and fear that men face when approaching a strange woman is a matter of tribal conditioning. You see, if a man approaches a woman who is attached to another man, then the other man may become angry, pick up a rock or a stick and kill us. Even worse, the other men in the tribe may come to his aid and clobber you. Through thousands of years of conditioning, this has almost made it to a cellular level in us where the fear is instinctive and not rational in the least. Why would a 225 lb man be afraid of a 125 lb woman? It just isn’t rational, but we are.

The ridicule of a woman can leave a man emasculated and looking completely foolish (at least in his own eyes). A little woman can leave a body builder quivering in the corner with but a few simple words.

This fear makes grown men, masters of industry, star athletes stand on the perimeter of “Loser’s Row - on the outside looking in. This fear causes them to not even try, after all, if you never talk to her, she can’t hurt you nearly as easily. We call this “Approach Anxiety".

“Approach Anxiety" is that fear that men and women alike share when they are too embarrassed or insecure to approach another person and strike up a conversation and or a relationship.

For women, the fear of rejection is much the same but in some ways even worse. Traditionally, it is the man’s place to initiate the mating dance (if you will) and thus the man is the approacher not often the approachee. It is foreign for many ladies to approach a man as it is considered by most to be a very forward thing to do. Many women even find it forward to make eye contact and smile at a man, but it is a golden invitation for a man to make that first contact.

In nature, there are many intricate mating rituals, some animals preen and dance in certain ways. The male does his dance and the female who is receptive does her dance. In much the same way, if a woman makes eye contact and smiles at the attentive male, if he is a suitable suitor, he will do his part and make the approach and make first contact. This gives the opportunity for them to get to know one another and see if they might be suitable mates, or not.

The fear of rejection has caused many a potential mate to eject from an interaction before it even gets off the ground. But why do we fear rejection anyway?

I am at least average looking with a high IQ and a higher than average level of education. I am well employed and I have status in my community, why in the world should I fear rejection? It sounds to me that ladies should fear me rejecting them, but it seems time and time again I am the one fearing the rejection.

The problem falls into the category of the god and the goddess on the pedestal. When we are extra attracted to someone or we have crazy chemistry with someone, we tend to view them as a goddess. In our minds, we put them in a high place and they are untouchable. We assign to them (in our psyche) a place of such omnipotence that they can speak us into emotional oblivion and embarrass the living snot out of us. They are not goddesses, they are only human just like us and they have their own insecurities and foibles just like the rest of us commoners. As a matter of fact, there are many a beautiful women out there who sit alone on Saturday nights because so many men are afraid to talk to them. Sometimes, the beautiful woman thinks that there is something wrong or ugly about her because all the average girls have a richer social life.

I have seen some very good looking, well toned men who have no confidence in themselves come through workshops wanting to learn how to attract women. I am usually dumbstruck at how bad these guys are with ladies. Some of them have ladies nearly throwing themselves at these men and they don’t have the faintest idea how to connect and establish a relationship.

Beauty really is only skin deep. No matter how beautiful a person is on the outside, we all share in the human condition. Remember, sometimes that woman who is so beautiful in the dress, heels and make up is often nothing more than smoke and mirrors, put them in sweats and wipe off the make up and often times, she is just a plain Jane who knows how to create the illusion of beauty. Remember that the guy who is a hunk might be dumb as a bag of hammers or may actually be socially inept. They are not members of the Pantheon but regular people with issues that run at least as deep as yours if not deeper.

So what do they have over you?

Nothing, but an illusion.

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