I met a great girl, but how can I know if she is “THE ONE?�

One of the most damaging myths in the dating world, is one of scarcity. Scarcity tells us that there is “THE ONE� and I must find her. It tells us that whoever we are in a relationship with is the last one available. It tells us, “I have used up my quota and so if I do not do ridiculous things to get or keep her, I will spend the rest of my life alone!�

The notion of “The One� is both true and ridiculous all at the same time. Of course the one that you spend the rest of your life with was meant to be with you as a precious gift from God, but on the other hand, there are thousands and thousands of “The One� out there. How do I know this? Because I have met “The One� many times in my life. The first time I met “The One� was in 7th grade, her name was Lisa, I have met “The One� dozens of times since.

How can you deal with the myth of scarcity?

At the moment that I am writing this, the world population calculator on the internet just rolled past 6,644,444,000 people. About half of those are female, and half male so, that means 3,322,222,000 women for men and men for women. For the sake of argument, we will say half are married, that leaves 1,661,111,000 unmarried of the opposite sex. Furthermore, we will break this down by one third to accommodate for age appropriateness that leaves 548,166,630. Now for those of us who are looking for someone with a compatible Christian worldview, we will say about ¼ may fit that, so this leaves 137,041,650. That means that in the world there are over one hundred thirty seven million possibilities out there that are somewhat compatible. The odds of you finding “The One� out of that many people is about the same as winning a Mega Millions jackpot . If this were the case, about one couple a month would get married in the U.S.A.

Okay, so I live in California, lets break it down for me here. I am a man in the USA â€" About 300,000,000. Once again half female â€" 150,000,000. I live in California which is about 20% of the US population 30,000,000. One third of that are age appropriate â€" 10,000,000, half married 5,000,000 and finally ¼ “Christianâ€?… 1,250,000 somewhat compatible women available to me in California alone. I for one am more afraid of being overwhelmed with the abundance available than a scarcity.

The notion of “The One� strikes fear into the heart of men and women alike. How do we deal with this? If we come to the process with a whole new frame of reference, that being one of abundance instead of scarcity, the whole face of the issue changes. When we realize that there are hundreds of millions of the opposite sex out there available, it becomes a matter of selecting in and out ladies from your dating pool.

I have taught men and women alike how to be successful with dating. The first thing that I tell people is that there will always be more of them to date tomorrow.

If someone doesn’t fall in love with you and you liked them, don’t feel unworthy or rejected, but rather thank them for selecting themselves out of your dating pool. That means that there is one less to deal with. Now you go from 137,000,000 to 136,999,999. At this point, most of us are not too panicked, “oh golly jeepers, what will I do now, I only have 136,999,999 other women out there for me!�

Sometimes we meet someone new and they seem wonderful. Our thoughts are consumed with her throughout the day, we can’t wait to see or speak to her again. Some people become jealous, not knowing where they stand with the other person and they become needy.

Neediness is almost never an attractive trait and it is NEVER an attractive trait to an emotionally healthy person. When we get needy for one person like that, we get the dreaded “The One Syndromeâ€? (TOS). This is punctuated with multiple phone messages in a short period of time, obsessive thoughts of the other person and all around creepy behavior. TOS has killed more budding romances than the plague (then again â€" I’m not sure how many the plague has killed).

When men are needy, they give away their strength. Needy men become complete wusses and lose their masculinity. TOSing leads a man into supplicating behavior where he does silly things like sending flowers to a girl he has barely dated, buying her expensive gifts and dinners, trying to impress her. This behavior is at best trying to buy the affections of another and at worst bribery. This lowers a man’s social value and makes him into a man-child who is no longer admired by a woman, but rather a weakling who has no life of his own.

How can you avoid this neediness? Keep more than one poker in the fire as often as you can. Date plural and wait for one to rise to the top.

I used to think that I could only date one lady at a time â€" IT DIDN’T WORK! When I figured out that dating more than one lady at a time was not so hard, I found that I could be selective instead of feeling “lucky that I had a girl,â€? I felt personal value, which is a powerful place to be emotionally.

I am capable of dating about three ladies at a time without too many problems. I tell them on the first or second date my philosophy of dating. I keep it plural and wait for one to fit properly with my life and my way of living. I also have a strong policy of no second dates if I am not impressed enough after the first and of course, no sex! I assume that they are dating other men and they may assume that I am dating other women. I do not want to hear about the other guys and I will not discuss other ladies. When we are together, it is just her and me.

In this way, both men and women can experience the company of several people before mutually selecting the one with whom they want to spend more time or even the rest of their life. If she doesn’t work out, then you are down to 136,999,998 to go. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

When we escape this myth and others that are self-limiting, we find that our whole outlook changes. We lose that neediness, that sense of inferiority, we realize that we are indeed worthy of love and the admiration of others, even as they are worthy of ours.

When we come to this point in our lives we will no longer settle for what we can get and we will no longer tolerate bad behavior from others because we feel unworthy of their attention. When we get to a place where we realize what a prize we are and how capable we are, then we go after what we want instead of taking what we can get.

The thing that is odd about all of this is that when you come to a place of emotional and romantic strength, our notions of beauty change. After a while, we start to look beyond the outer beauty and start to see the inner beauty of others as we become sincerely interested in people. It is no longer about the wrapping, but it becomes about the gift inside the box. Of course a well-wrapped gift is always appreciated and so, we also should do our best to maintain an attractive exterior ourselves, everyone likes that.

Don’t forget, if she is “The One,� God will make sure that you will be together. Relax and enjoy dating, it is an adventure and you will have lots of fun stories to share with your friends.

C.J. Donofrio is the pastor of Mount Olive Lutheran Church in Pasadena CA, is the Master Lifestyle / Social coach for ChristianSocialArts.com and is the author of “ATTRACTION -- the Way of the Social Christian Man,� which is to be released in the Summer of 2007. He is also to be married this Summer to “The One.�

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