Read Part 1 Here

Some men don’t understand women, simply don’t take the time to try to, or, they simply don’t care. Even the most accomplished “First Knight� will make a serious blunder, without even trying, at times. Believe me, I know.

For most of the eleven years between marriages, I admit that I was hurt, confused, and angryâ€"and simply didn’t care as much about a woman’s feelings or opinions, at least not as deeply as I should have cared. Simply put, I was only interested in myself and in my own immediate gratification, which was certainly a safer position than taking the risk of getting involved and getting hurt again. I am convinced now that the major reason for my selfish and non-chivalrous attitude during those years was the absence of God in my life, with limited access to a church-sponsored Divorce Recovery Class or guidance of this nature that might have helped me at the time. I was lost, and thus was fertile fodder for the evil one. And, for a while, I must admit, he had control. But in time I began to learn and grow.

I strongly believe that some men have just never learned how to be romantic, feeling, sensitive human beings. First of all, we think that we are not supposed to be sensitive or feeling, that it makes us look weak in the eyes of other men and their families, or among the women we hope to impress and do sincerely care about. Secondly, not being well-practiced in expressing emotions, we just don’t know how to do so.

Take a practical matter: proper table manners. Had it not been for Mrs. Gilpin in senior English class at Southern High School in Louisville, Kentucky, over thirty years ago, I would have no clue how to hold a knife and fork, nor anything notable about how to behave at mealtime. I’ll never forget this: she took an entire hour of class one day and showed all of us how to hold our flatware, where to place it on the table (explaining why), and communicating guidelines on how to eat properly (“Keep your mouth closed. No elbows on the table,� etc.). Without her careful instruction in the fine art of table manners, I would have been lost on an important date with a lady and would probably have few good table habits, even today.

The same holds true for many of us; we just don’t know what is expected of us by women. So we give up and take the easy way out, or, the macho, stoic approach. While this may work for some men, it doesn’t work for the vast majority of men or women (as the present U.S. divorce rate will quickly reveal). Still, if we’re clueless as men, how do we get a clue?

Oh, we can conduct some marketing research, I suppose. As a former marketing research career professional, I can tell you that one of the best ways to gather data is through simple observation of or listening to others. Tell me:

•Do you observe your lady?
•Do you listen to her, I mean, really listen?
•Do you truly observe her feelings, her moods, her quiet momentsâ€"and appreciate what she says about herself without even saying it?
•Have you noticed how she dresses? Or what she might be saying by her manner of dress, to us, as men, and to others?

Just by taking the time to listen to your lady, you can better-determine what she may feel or like from you. Take it from me: the knight who takes time to listen is most likely to keep his lady faire.

Men are not generally the greatest listeners because we’ve been too predisposed to talking about ourselves and have a different mindset altogether about communication than women do. Have you ever been on a first date and the lady you’re with can’t stop talking about herself? Weren’t you bored to tears? Why would your lady be any different? Do you do the same thing, or are you captivated by her presence, wanting to know everything about her? Listen, listen, listen, and learn, learn, learn. You may not bat a thousand, but your batting average will certainly improve to major league status.

As for our career life, we may not be “tuned in� to what’s really going on here because we’ve been too preoccupied with the business of becoming a success, as opposed to the business of being who we were meant to be. Eventually, a misplaced drive for financial gain can lead to burnout or to the dreaded “midlife crisis,� with the painful feelings we’ve been trying to keep down overwhelming us at last and the revelation that we’ve climbed to the top rung of the wrong ladder! We’re a “success,� but not where it matters. Don’t let this happen to you. Instead, step back; take a minute to answer a few questions in your own mind, and choose your ladder carefully.

Who are you? What are you? What is important to you in your life? Where is your relationship with God? What will be truly important to you in your heart as you draw your last breath? It’s a sure bet that you won’t be thinking about your 401k or the latest stock quote, but something more like the answer to: What was my life about, after all? Did I live it well? These questions and their answers form our core sense of who we are as men and how our lives will be judged in the way that is meaningful and eternal. How we’re evaluated by God, not by our financial statement, will be the true measure of our life’s work and worth. The practice of chivalrous principles in our everyday lives will not only bring us closer to God, guiding us to become godly men, but will mold us into men of better quality, substance, and honorâ€"men with the capability of experiencing true intimacy with the women in our lives that mean so much to us.

Check out Part 3 in Issue 46

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