Parenthood can be confusing for guys. It seems that motherhood is almost instinctive for most women, but experience seems to teach most men how to be fathers. Besides, no matter what we do women always have a nine month head start on us! As my children grew up I was often confused and made lots of mistakes, but managed to learn a few hard lessons. I hope that you can benefit from my few, difficult lessons.

One day I noticed my son (who was about 3 at the time) gripping his toy screw driver in what I thought was an odd way. I wondered, “Where did he learn that odd grip?" A few days later when I was using my screw driver I realized that I was holding the screw driver exactly as my son had. In that moment a cold shiver ran down my spine because I realized deep inside that my children were watching my every move; copying my behavior and attitudes. After some sober thought, I began to realize that to demand attitudes or actions of my children that I am not willing to live out is at best a losing proposition. I also came to realize that my words were most powerful when they accurately described my heart and what I’m willing to act on.

During his first backpacking trip (at about 13) my son’s pack seemed too heavy for him to carry to the camp site at the top of a long, steep hill. “I can’t do it", he said. I thought to myself, “I can either figure out how to carry both packs, we can go home or I can help him understand how he can carry this pack." I am thankful that God gave me the words to assure my son of his abilities. “How many steps can you go with that pack? I asked. “Ten",he answered. I said “Then take ten steps and rest for a short while. Take ten more steps and rest. Before long you will be at the top of the hill and can take the pack off." While the hike to the campsite took a bit longer, the young man conquered the hill with his pack on his back. I could have belittled his budding manhood, but God gave me the words to help this young man to overcome a challenge and increase his confidence. Afterwards I thought, “How could I have been so dense to think that my words meant nothing?" “Didn’t God create the world with just His words? Am I not created in His image?" All the same, it also dawned on me that my words without actions are meaningless.

During a family celebration, I asked one of my sons to serve the beverage (sparkling grape juice). He carefully poured each glass in nearly equal amounts and served himself last. I pointed out the fact that my son had, in that simple act, demonstrated servanthood as Jesus said we should serve. While acts of service have power in themselves, when these acts match our words, we send a powerful message. Yet the opposite is also true.
When our words do not match our behavior or attitudes, we send conflicting, double message, which creates distrust and distance.

Why am I bringing all this stuff up? It is simply to say that we, as men, need to closely examine OURSELVES before looking for phrases to change a child’s life. In a very real sense, we are Jesus to our children. Although that statement may surprise, shock or even anger some, please allow me to explain. Jesus is our model for how a man should live (i.e. the perfect man). Likewise, we as fathers are the perfect man (the model) to our children. Do we require of ourselves what we require of our children? Do our actions and attitudes match our speech? Recognizing all this, I believe that the following five key phrases (and actions to match) can have a powerfully positive influence on your children.

Phrases that can change your child’s life

• YES

To men the word “yes" is sometimes seen as the word “yield", while our children often view “yes" as similar to acceptance or affirmation. While most are inherently selfish and some are skilled manipulators, it is important to keep in mind that children may equate the word “no" with personal rejection. Certainly, we as men are responsible to God for the choices we make and every decision must be weighted in that light. However, we need to seek ways to say yes at every opportunity. If we can not say yes to the specific request, propose an alternative to which we can say yes. Find ways to encourage your children even when you must say no. “Fathers, don't exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master". Ephesians 6:4 (The Message ).

• You matter

Children need assurance by words and actions that they are a valuable, irreplaceable part of our family. Too often phrases or actions communicate to children that they are a bother, not a cherished family member. Certainly, children can be a bother at times, but children who believe that they are cherished are, most times, less of a bother than those who believe they are not. Often I found that when my children were a bother they simply wanted my undivided attention for a while. The irritation was simply their method of asking for some time with me. While I would like to say that I immediately honored every request for attention, we all know that is not possible. However, it is important to remember that while our time may be valuable at work, it is irreplaceable in the lives of our children. Our children only have one earthly father. Scheduling and spending time with your children will probably reduce the bother factor, as well as help you to understand them and communicate as “you matter" message in a significant manner. “The moment Jesus came up out of the baptismal waters, the skies opened up and he saw God's Spirit "it looked like a dove" descending and landing on him. And along with the Spirit, a voice: ‘This is my Son, chosen and marked by my love, delight of my life.’" Matthew 3:16-17 (The Message1). Apparently God thought it was important to communicate that His Son mattered to Him.

• I love you

Why is “I love you" hard for men to say? Maybe it’s because men do not want to appear weak. Yet, most of us realize that heart connections are the strongest connection we have to anything. Perhaps this is why Jesus said “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:5). Yet John Eldredge suggests that most men believe their hearts must be protected by use of logic, predictability and stoicism.

The most famous chapter in the Bible about love (I Corinthians 13) states “love never fails. Love is described this passage in the Message Bible1 as:

- Never giving up.
- Not keep score of the sins of others,
- Caring more for others than for self.
- Not reveling when others grovel,
- Not wanting what it doesn't have
-Taking pleasure when truth comes out,
-Not strutting,
-Putting up with anything,
-Not having a swelled head,
-Trusting God always,
-Not forcing itself on others,
-Always looking for the best,
-Not always "me first,"
-Never looking back, and
-Not flying off the handle,
-Keeping going to the end.

Clearly our society has diluted or polluted the Biblical meaning of the word love. Biblical love is the same sort of love that the Scripture commands husbands to have for their wives. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her". (Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)). Biblical love also needs to be expressed to our children.

Most men probably realize that Biblical love is essential for a child’s survival and that the Bible says that “God is love." So the most powerful Being in the universe is love? Perhaps men, our estimation of love as weakness is invalid. Perhaps (like Jesus) we must be willing to endure the pain and heart-ache associated with Biblical love for the joy and well being of our children.

• I believe in you

The New Testament describes the transfiguration of Jesus. Barclay indicates that it is likely that Jesus sought time alone on the mountain slopes to be sure that going to Jerusalem was his Father’s will. Jesus knew he would face His own humiliating, excruciating death on the cross and that was a big step. After a long day, probably just after night fall, Jesus prayed while his disciples dozed off. Jesus knew what Barclay3 observed: “Before a man can fight and adventure upon his feet, he must wonder and pray upon his knees." Jesus’ Father answered His prayers in several profound ways. His Father must have first spoke to Him, but He also sent two great heroes (Moses and Elijah) to encourage Him. Finally, Jesus’ disciples (Peter, James and John) woke from their dozing. Can you imagine how terrified his disciples must have been when they woke in the dark to see the clothes and face of Jesus shining like the sun and Him talking with Elijah and Moses? Peter spoke, offering to build three shelters; one each for Jesus, Moses and Elijah. But before Peter could finish, a bright cloud moved in and a voice from the cloud identified Jesus as God’s Son3. The Living Bible translates these words as: “This is my beloved Son, and I am wonderfully pleased with him. Obey him." This account gives us insight into how God treated his Son while He was in bodily form on earth. At this crucial crossroads in the earthly life of Jesus and, indeed, at many other smaller crossroads, God conveyed the message to his Son, “I believe in you." Can we do any less?

• I am proud of you

Using the phrase “I am proud of you" is confusing and dangerous for our children if we as their earthly fathers are not willing to completely surrender our children to their heavenly Father, but, we will come to that point in a moment.

The Bible speaks often about the dangers of the sort of pride that says in speech or action: “Look at what I accomplished, I am the greatest." Yet, the pride mentioned here is of a different sort, which says by word and deed: “I am so happy and thankful that you are my child." This is the same thought that God must have had when He said “This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased." The words God used in describing His Son might be translated into today’s English as “I am proud of you." Conveying this sort of profound pleasure and thankfulness to a child is empowering. When done often and consistently the child understands that he/she does not have to order her/his life to please an earthly father. The child is now freed to pursue the dreams God placed in his or her heart. Yet, from a parent’s point of view, I must be willing to completely release my child to follow those dreams. To do otherwise is to send conflicting, confusing and perhaps condemnatory messages to my child. Releasing a child in this manner provides them with a double blessing, one from me and a much larger one from God. Refusing to provide my child such a blessing will, by default, mean I am providing your children with a curse, which will make them dependent on me, perhaps forever. Can I provide more for my child than God can? Will you release your child so that he/she can follow the vision God has for his/her life? Martin Luther described this hauntingly ironic situation when he said, “I have held many things in my hands and have lost them all, but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess."

Summary

Since we are the model man for our children, change in our children’s lives begins with changes in our own thoughts, behaviors and attitudes. Our words are important and powerful, but gain even more power when they are matched by our behavior and attitudes. The five phrases (yes, you matter, I love you, I believe in you and I am proud of you) can change our children’s lives if we consistently express them and back them up with our lives.

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