Your Sexual History

Have you ever thought about your sexual history?
I believe this is a very important question. Perhaps it’s an unsettling inquiry for a few of you, but it’s certainly one that’s worthy of at least a little bit of your serious contemplation. However, I know that not all of you are taking this question seriously. A few of you don’t believe the question is for you; so right now as you’re reading these words, instead of contemplation being written on your face, a huge grin sits there, one that reeks of a strange mixture of cocksure and innocence. “I’m a virgin, Matthew� you’d say to me if you and I were in conversation with each other. “Yep, I’ve got absolutely no sexual history. NONE! I’m still ‘untouched.’ This isn’t relevant for me. Is it okay if I just skip to the next section?�
No so fast.

I have to admit something here. I am always a little freaked out by the way Christians advertise their virginity. Don’t get me wrong, I am pro virginity before marriage; I think that’s God’s ideal plan. But I’m not so sure he ever intended our chaste behavior to be something that we flaunt like an ugly dude flaunts a hot date.

Talking virginity is especially awkward when it’s with a virgin who is over the age of thirty-five. And please know there is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin over the age of thirty-five. In fact, it’s EXTREMELY admirable. But does it have to become your personal tagline? Like, “Hi, I’m Jenny; I’m thirty-six years old. I like horseback riding; I’m a nurse. And you might like to know, I’m still a virgin!�
I think this is weird.

Okay, back to your regularly scheduled content.
As I was saying before the smaller font interrupted me, don’t skip to the next section so quickly. I’ve got news for those of you “untouched� folk; your sexual history is about a lot more than whether or not you’ve had any official “play.� So before you pull out your chastity belt and flash it my way, give me a couple of paragraphs, and I’ll explain where I’m going with all of this.
Those of you who have had a little play, whether it’s full-on play, limited play, or guilty feelings about solo play, are probably not convinced either that you should have to answer such a peculiar question, at least not honestly. You probably think I’ve gone and gotten all Dr. Phil on you. And you might actually be on to something. But come on, unlike Dr Phil,
I
CAN
MAKE
A
STATEMENT
WITHOUT
USING
EVERY
EXPRESSIVE
MUSCLE
ON
MY
FACE.
And I can do it without hollering, too.
So before you verbally open up and share all of your sexual history, let me explain exactly what I mean by sexual history.
I believe an individual’s sexual history is made up of much more than simply one’s sexual track record. Your sexual history, although it certainly includes all of your actual sexual experiences, might also include realities such as these:

1. Your Sexual Education. How you learned [or, as the case might very well be, didn’t learn] about sex definitely is a part of your sexual history, whether you learned the old-fashioned wayfrom your parentsâ€"or while standing in your underwear in the locker room.

2. Your Good, Bad, and Ugly Life Experiences. Life experiences, whether they’re good happenings, awful distresses, or ugly situations, affect one’s sexual viewpoint. Anything from the divorce of your parents to one of your friends being the victim of sexual, physical, or mental abuse to your sister becoming pregnant outside of marriage to the mystery of falling in love to having an embarrassing moment regarding sexâ€"and these only scratch the surfaceâ€"can affect what and how you think about sexuality.

3. Your Parents’ Relationship with Each Other. Your parents’ relationship is quite influential, much more than you probably realize. It’s certainly not difficult to understand; how you perceive the relationship of your parentsâ€"and certainly not just their sexual relationship but also their emotional and spiritual connectionâ€"can be something that affects your sexual history. And it’s not just a negative relationship that can affect you. If your parents’ relationship is healthy, that fact can play a very positive role in your sexual past, too.

4. Your Impression of God and His View of Sex. A person’s perspective and belief in God, whether it is right, wrong, or slightly misguided, greatly affects not only the spiritual aspect of sex but also how an individual perceives the concept of his or her own sexual desire. How we view God’s feelings toward sexuality and also his feelings toward us often shapes our perception about our sexual desire. Consider this: If you’ve ever thought that God’s sole desire was to catch you [and then smite you for] thinking a sexual thought or having a sexual encounter, that’s a part of your sexual history. And seriously, how many Christians haven’t at least once or twice or 347 times had the God is going to smite me thought?

5. Your Environment. If the environment you’ve grown up in has been hostile toward sex, or if your surroundings do nothing but sensationalize or abuse sex, these influences can alter your sexual perspective and, thus, should be included as a part of your sexual history. Think about it: An individual whose father kept a large collection of pornography under his bed has probably been affected, regardless of whether or not the kid looked at the porn. Or on the other end of the spectrum, an individual whose overly religious mom got angry every time a reference to sex was mentioned in her presence probably has been provoked to think about sex in light of that happening over and over again.

And now the difficult but beneficial exercise

Write down the key happenings of your sexual history. Although not every situation might have affected your current sexual outlook, go ahead and write everything that might have been influential. You can cross it off later if you want to.

All of us tend to respond differently to situations. One might believe that masturbation has altered his perspective on sex; another might not consider it important enough to include. And a situation that is negative to one person might actually be positive to another. In all actuality, our sexual history can be rather confusing.
Okay, so if you’re struggling with this “write down your answer� assignment, use the following questions to help you get started. Basically, it’s a self-interview. Except I thought of the questions, not you. If you want it to feel like a real interview, maybe you could ask your mother or sister or brother to ask these questions to you. I’m sure they would love to hear your answers. [Yes, I’m kidding.]

THIRTEEN QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU IDENTIFY THE KEY ELEMENTS OF YOUR SEXUAL HISTORY[Remember, these thirteen questions are only here to get you started. Of course, I could spend the rest of this book writing down questions that may or may not be relevant to you, and it STILL might not be complete.]

1. How healthy did you perceive your parents’ married relationship to be? Would you compare it to Fred and Wilma? Fred and Barney? Fred and Dino? And also, when you were nine, did you perceive their relationship differently from when you were sixteen? If yes, how so?

2. How did you first learn about sex? Did your mother teach you? A teacher? Your seventh grade boyfriend? Lil’ Kim? Do you remember what you learned?

3. How did your pastor or youth pastor present his perspective of sex? Was it approached positively? Negatively? Angrily? In other words, which of these influential men did your pastor most emulate when he spoke about sex: Jerry Falwell, Rick Warren, Dr. Phil, Jay Leno, or Condoleeza Rice?

4. Has there been a time in your life where you were abused emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually? If yes, write down a short explanation. Have you ever witnessed anyone else being abused?

5. When you think about God’s view of sex, what are the first five words that come to mind?

6. What was your first pop-cultural experience with sex? In other words, when did you first realize that information about sex could be found through magazines, the Internet, TV, movies, music, and so on? What was your first reaction to your finding? Intrigue? Disgust? Fear?

7. Have you ever been ridiculed, made fun of, or humiliated because of something sexual?

8. As a child, did your parents encourage you to talk about sex, or were you forbidden to discuss it?

9. Have you looked at pornography? If so, has it turned into a habit? An addiction?

10. Have you ever experienced sexual contact with another human being? Was it a positive experience? In other words, how did it make you feel? [NOTE: Just because it’s considered biblically immoral to have engaged in a sexual act before marriage, that doesn’t mean it has to have been a negative experience. Just write down honestly how it made you feel.]

11. Do you have a positive opinion about your body?

12. When you think about getting married, what most excites you about sex? Have you ever felt fearful about sex within marriage?

13. What role has guilt played in your life?

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