SURVEY SAYS: CHRISTIAN WOMEN HAPPY ... CHRISTIAN MEN NOT SO HAPPY
When surveyed, Christian women express higher levels of marital satisfaction than any other group, religious or not (Brad Wilcox interview in Books and Culture). No such study gives Christian men reason to celebrate, and an unwillingness to create emotional intimacy is among the heaviest complaints I receive from husbands about their wives. They lament that their wives don't even perceive sexual intimacy, which in its emotional union is far more than just sexual activity, as a key component in keeping a couple together; their wives behave as if intimacy is a hassle or an extracurricular activity. This problem is worse for the CNGs who have not yet developed the traits that women find attractive in the first place.
Many Christian wives have been brought up without an understanding of this essential issue. They went to the right schools, they have accurate theology, they attend church regularly, they're well-trained in the importance of raising happy children; yet they don't see the value of regular intimacy with their husbands. I'm amazed by how insufficiently women understand a man's heart and how poorly some wives treat it.
I'm amazed by how insufficiently women understand a man's heart and how poorly some wives treat it.
For most men, a desire for sex is as fundamental as a desire for food, and not only does something die inside a married man when this desire isn't met, something can also be perverted for lack of pure fulfillment. Sex isn't the only reason why some guys get married (at least it shouldn't be), but it's a biggie. As I've said on my talk show many times, if men, especially younger ones, say they aren't getting married to have sex, then chances are they're already having it.
A Christian man struggles to maintain sexual purity in a culture that says he's crazy. (Once when I told co-workers that my wife and I waited till after marriage, they looked at me as if I'd just gotten off the shuttle from Pluto.) In a common scenario, an unmarried Christian man knows he could have sex with many women, but he withholds and endeavors to wait. He fights back temptation after temptation to please God and to give his future wife the gift of sexual purity. Then at last he marries and crosses the finish line, yet instead of fabulous banquets, he gets frozen dinners for years to come. Such men will tell you they feel robbed, resentful, victims of false advertising.
Women, sexual intimacy tells a man that you care about him and him only; it's how he feels special. It is to men what chocolate, diamonds, peaceful homes, and memorable vacations are to you. Sex is our Lifetime Network, our Oprah. Sex is the closest we get to being those screaming, insane girls at a Beatles concert. Our days, like yours, are often arduous; sex is where we feel that all of our sacrifice is worth it, appreciated, noticed. Sexual intimacy freely given somehow stabilizes our universe. It's our action to your words, our shelter from the storms of life; you are the safest harbor in which we'll ever make port. Sex is also the sharpest, most jagged knife in our back when it's not given or, worse, given without passion, focus, and interest. We can tell. Our pain is far more nuanced than you realize.
Attempting to ward off or at least cope with the hurt, Christian men try to joke about it. Here are just some of the names I've heard to describe unsatisfying sex: Check-her-pulse sex, did-I-detect life? sex, refund sex, mercy sex, pity sex, I'm-tired-so-hurry-up sex, 50%-off sex, 9-1-1 sex, undertaker sex, wouldn't-pass-lie-detector sex, jewelry sex, new-car sex (but rarely sex in the car), and bigger-home sex. What we really want and need is There's-No-One-Like-You sex. That's our physical and emotional Promised Land, and there are too few of us making camp there. We need your help!
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Excerpted from:
No More Christian Nice Guy by Paul Coughlin
Copyright © 2005; ISBN 0764200925
Published by Bethany House Publishers
Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.
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Comments
The problem with such magazines as yours is not that they address issues for men, but that they address issues very one-sidedly. Not all men (even Christian Men) are the same and Christian Women are either. I am continually surprised at how people of the Christian faith box both. I think it is good to have a magazine that helps men and with interesting stories, but it really is just laughing entertainment for me because of the prolonged stereo-types. For instance, I am Christian, and I am very very very sexual. Christian women are taught to be ashamed of sexual thoughts. Think about that one. So the fact that sometimes I am more sexually minded than some other men makes me feel unwomanly. This may be a greater problem than "understanding a man's heart".
Posted by: Lana | March 16, 2006 03:14 AM
Lana - that is the point of this magazine, to show different points of view among Christians... some see certain articles as too liberal some as too Conservitive, but the point is that a lot of the articles are from readers themselves providing a pulse of Christian men and women, If you want to... we would love for you to submit an article on the sexuality of women and how the church supresses that... Jason *editor of Prodigal Son Magazine*
Posted by: Jason | March 16, 2006 12:01 PM
1Cr 7:3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
1Cr 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband {does;} and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife {does.}
1Cr 7:5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Posted by: Travis | April 11, 2006 08:22 PM
Survey says by Paul Couglin rings true. i've struggled with those feelings for a long time. Now i have the words from this article, that i can share with my wife, thank you for the article, it really helps and is encourageing.
Posted by: Phil | October 9, 2006 09:31 PM
The problem is not women don't want sex. The problem is women want GOOD sex. We need to know that just as we are giving our bodies, our husbands are taking the time to prepare us and focused only on us. We can tell if he's not. If sex is constantly about him getting his pleasure and not the wife, then sex will become a chore. Personally, my husband and I fasted for one month from sex in order to study and find what was missing. The act had become a chore for me because I had lost hope that he would take the time to think of my pleasure. Now, he doesn't have to ask for it and it's Great!
Posted by: April | September 14, 2007 11:33 PM
This article seems to place the blame entirely on women for the lack of sexual intimacy in some Christian marriages, but the issue is just not so black and white. These issues are never just one person's fault, after all. And I think I, as a woman myself, can provide a new perspective -- the other side of the coin, so to speak. The fact of the matter is, because Christian men hold out on sex until they're married, they lack the sexual experience that most men have gained by the time it comes to getting married. And as harsh at this sounds.. having never had sex before, most Christian men have no idea how to please or satisfy a woman in bed, which is not as simple as it may sound because women can be so different in what pleases them or what doesn't. What can totally turn on one woman sometimes totally turns off another. Unfortunately, the only way to learn what satisfies a woman is to gain sexual experience by having sex with many of them. Thus there is a dilemma for Christian men because on the one hand, if they have sex before marriage, they will gain the sexual experience they need to know how to satisfy their wives but they will be sinning. On the other hand, if they wait until marriage to have sex, they will have avoid sinning but now they lack the sexual knowledge to know how to please their wives in bed - and this in turn causes their wives to lose interest in sex.
Posted by: Rebecca | July 9, 2008 05:23 PM